Brownian Motion

For the first time pretty much ever, I watched the entire Grammy Awards. I never watch because really, mainstream music is pretty terrible. However, after this I realized I should watch the entire thing more often… it’s comedic gold.

Also, no smartass posts about not getting the names of folks right. You're lucky i stayed up this long.

- I love me the U2, but I just can’t get into this song “Get on your boots”. And Bono, nice Frankenstein-like boots to illustrate the point… and was that mascara you’re wearing?

- Whitney Houston is apparently still on crack. Also, Sir Paul.. what up with the standing ovation for Whitney? You’re Paul-frickin-McCartney!

- Clive Davis – Older than dirt.

- Very touching best R&B album for Jennifer Hudson. Poor girl after all she’s been through. Also, someone should have mentioned to her that her napkin is still wrapped around her neck.

- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, please stop trying to be a comedian. Please.

- Justin Timberlake – clearly a homo. Justin Timberlake should also not try to be a comedian. General Store... nice.

- Justin introduces Boyz 2 Men, Keith Urban and Al Green.. and then joins in to basically headline Al’s signature song. And… when did Al Get fat? Keith Urban and his 4 second solo was the best part of this song. Boyz 2 Men, so nice of you to sing backup.

- Brief shot of Robert Plant. He looks functionally retarded.

- Simon Baker – nice try on the hipster glasses. Nice Try.

- Coldplay, had I not watched the 60 minutes special on you just before this, I would’ve not thought “damn… that dude is like a spazzy 5 year old”. I spent most of the song trying to figure out if the stuff on the piano was notes to yourself. Jay Z, nice cameo… I still wish I could afford your headphones. Your second song confirms spazzness.

- Keith Urbans’ props to Gene Autry, and introduction of Carrie Underwood for her song – i.e. the first bathroom break of the evening, and pit stop for beer.

- Sheryl Crow and Leanne Rhymes – nice to see Sheryl is still identified with her song from like.. ten years ago. Brenda Lee tribute.. who cares. Another Country award… back to the kitchen looking for chips. Leanne looks… pretty bad.

- Sugarland wins the country award and are seated just behind Raphael Saadiq… who is still sporting his 50’s look. Dude from Sugarland wearing his little black Sinatra hat…. I’m not seeing it.

- Duffy and Rev. Al Green come out after the commercial for Song of the Year… who is Duffy? Her voice pierces my skull into my brain and at my eyeball. Of course, Coldplay wins. Isn’t it a bad idea to do Song of the Year so soon in the program? Also, first Paul McCartney mention of the night.

- Kid Rock is a double nominee?? What the hell? Is this for that Sweet Home Alabama rip off song? And is he singing for the troops or something? Oh jeez.. second song is the rip off song. Although, I must admit, it’s pretty catchy. What’s up with him trying to “soul” it up? A song saying “Amen”, another with “Testify”

- Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus singing some song. Time to put the tv on mute and enjoy a cold beer watching the eye candy.

- And then the presentation for best Pop Collaboration with Vocals… I’m not interested in any of these songs. Robert Plant and Alison Kraus win for some sad mopey song. I like how the microphone hides his entire face, and he doesn’t give Alison a chance to say anything.

- Jennifer Hudson is pretty good. You can tell she’s thinking about her family. Also, she looks cute. She deserved the ovation.

- Before the commercial break, they mention another Justin Timberlake song. I’m scared.

- CSI’s Emily Proctor (cougar) and Jasaon Moraz (sporting the lame Sinatra style hat) introducing the Jonas Brothers with Stevie Wonder. Poor Stevie… they treat the handicapped so badly in this country. Stevie.. also getting chunky in his latter years. Dear lord, please don’t ruin “Superstitious”… too late. Nice line flub Jonas kid.

- Blink 182… these guys taking the stage is like me just wandering up there. They’re officially reunited… I had no idea they broke up. Sure, give the dude with the broke arm the envelope to open. And Coldplay wins best Rock Album, interjecting some geology humor in the acceptance speech. Coldplay dude sticks it to the man and walks back to his seat rather than going into the offstage tunnel.

- India Arie schlepping for Target. Nice.

- Craig Ferguson.. this guy is hilarious. His funny intro makes me forget how terribly bad Katy Perry’s fruit inspired Chiquita Banana little romp is. Although… she is cute… and curvy. Actually, on second thought… her whole act… is like porn.

- Kanye with the shiny jacket and afro-mullet and OJ gloves. Estelle in a shiny dress and a Vanessa Huxtable inspired hairdo. I’m obsessed with the afro-mullet.

- Best New Artist… Bob Newhart won this? Adelle wins it this year. I have no idea who she is. She’s a limey though. And weepy.

- Morgan Freeman, what’s up with the black glove? Is that still from the car accident? Kind of overkill to get him to introduce Kenny Chesney. What does this mean for me? Bathroom break.

- Diddy, Herbie Hancock and Natalie Cole for Record of the Year. Damn she’s tall. Or they’re both short. Robert Plant and Alison Kraus win again… will he let her speak this time? Nope… Alison still snubbed.

- Diddy on CSI Miami as a Lawyer. Yeah, that’s believable.

- Queen Latifah with the Dean Martin tribute. Queen takes a long ass time to introduce supper pregger M.I.A., who I realize is Indian and is dressed as some kind of huge ladybug. Kanye and the afro-mullet make a reappearance. Jay Z in a tux… lookin’ like a fly black James Bond. T.I. and Lil Wayne floating around and doing their thing. Why does Lil Wayne look dressed for a blizzard?

- Kate Beckensale out to present… only real claim to fame – Underworld movies. She introduces Sir Paul and Dave Grohl.

- Paul McCartney singing Beatles songs… simply great. Nice stuffed wolf doll on the speaker as well. Dave Grohl reminds me of the Muppet, Animal.

- Jack Black (sporting the Sinatra hat) and Charlie Hayden (apparently Jack Black’s father in law), giving props to Hank Jones (I had no idea either). Then presenting for Best Male Pop Vocal. John Mayer wins and has all the panache and style of a high school kid.

- Jay Moore and LL Cool J wearing the same tie apparently, presenting Sugarland and Adelle for what promises to be a country inspired snoozefest. Time for another beer and a check of email.

- Gweneth Paltrow apparently wearing the same shiny dress that Estelle wore, introducing Radiohead and my high school band…

- Samuel L. Jackson sporting the elderly street thug look, introduces T.I. and Justin Timberlake. Time for the mute button.

- Foolishly unmuted.

- President of the Recording Academy – one of the rare appearances by an old white guy on the stage tonight. Another opportunity for a break from the tv.

- Smokey Robinson taking the stage, talking about the Four Tops and the lifetime achievement award. The Four Tops.. with Ne-Yo and Jaime Fox. I’m confused. Should I hate this.. should I like this? No butchering of the song is evident. I think I’ll like this. Ne-Yo, don’t get crazy. Sugarpie Honeybunch is easily one of my favorite performances of the night.

- Josh Groban. Blah.

- Neil Diamond! Sweeeeeet Caroline… good times never seemed soooo good.

- And now for the montage of those who’ve passed on.

- BB King, Bo Diddley and… John Mayer and some country dude.. Kenny, Keith? Thankfully the two white dudes don’t mess up a perfectly good blues vibe.

- Gary Sinese – I’m fascinated how his eyebrows don’t move.

- Lil Wayne, Robin Thicke, Alan Tissount (sp?). Let me just put it out there… I hate Robin Thicke. They’re moaning something about New Orleans. And now some horn section called the Dirty Dozen that seems to be something out of a Lil Wayne childhood memory.

- Will.I.Am and T.Pain… nice hats.

- Best Rap Album goes to Lil Wayne who makes a great little heel clicking jump on stage, and calls up his whole family. He does however make the best speech of the night – “I just wanna say, thank God, thank New Orleans, thank these people right here, and thank you”

- Zoey Daschenelle(?) wearing… something purple, and introducing Robert Plant and Alison Kraus. Alison is heard for the first time tonight.

- Green Day with the final Grammy of the night. Goddamn I’m weary. Album of the year is… Robert Plant and Alison Kraus. The real question is… will she be able to thank anyone on the microphone? She does! It’s a music miracle! Of course, Robert badly wants to say something… and he does… finally thanking Alison Kraus for the first time tonight. And they’re cut off by the wrap up music.

- Stevie Wonder is propped back out to sing the sign off music. I realize he’s blind and all... but could they shine a little more light on him please? This is also a horrible song.

So it seems a group of scientists has been diligently working through the last two years to produce for mankind the complete genome of the duckbill platypus (pictured right).

Whew! Allow me to wipe a brow... I was worried that we'd forget about this. I mean, with that whole pesky economy, and war, and election thingy, and Miley Cyrus not appearing naked even though if you took away all the things covering her she'd then be naked.

"It's such a wacky organism,"
said Richard Wilson, director of the genome
center at Washington University in St. Louis

"Wacky" - That's a scientific term which has been carefully culled to describe the efforts of this probing two year effort to definitely define this animal. This jackass actually gets paid for this. Hell, I'd love to be paid to map out all the episodes of Frasier, but that ain't happening anytime soon.

Now that we have this valuable information, what to do with it? Cure platypi cancer? Change 'em all to ducks? Perhaps make them more normal looking beavers? Or.. perhaps the last laugh is on us.. maybe this is a secret government study to create supersmart platypi and turn them into bomb delivering agents?

Read it and weep